My nightmares

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling the overlooked, scared, in danger stuff. Wow, bad dreams! What the heck?

About midafternoon, I'm working using the calendar, and I realize, that it has been two years since I found THE LUMP. The next two months is an anniversary of waiting for mammo, waiting for results, and interactions with very odd doctors. Terry will likely be in the hospital on Thanksgiving - I remember looking at the carving knife, thinking I could just cut that diseased boob OFF, and maybe then somebody would have some time to pay attention to what I knew was cancer.

I got out of the tub, and looked up at the bathroom mirror, boob moved, and I realized it was moving wrong. I put my hand where the wrongness was, and there was a lump. Next day, I called my doctor - saw her 3 days later. Nothing, she says. If I want to, why don't I have a mammogram. The Nurse Assistant tells me that there is wonderful new breast center down at Fairlane. I call, and ask for an appointment.
Nothing for 8 weeks - the end of December - that's the best you can do? I hear my voice crack when I say, but I have a LUMP. We have no appointments until then. I ask friends, and get the names of other centers around - no appointments.

Guess what, it's just after Breast Cancer Awareness Month - every mammo place is squishing boobs madly. No openings.

Okay, I can do this. Day after day. The lump is still there, even a little bigger. Day after day. Thanksgiving I almost lost my mind.
Christmas, I could say, well, only a few more days.

I always knew it was cancer, from the moment I found it.