Being the spouse

One of the things I've seen on the BC boards that I frequent is that cancer has a profound effect on marriage. And couples either get closer, or really fly apart.

So, I'm trying to be there for everything that I can manage. But, it's really hard. I started this new job in March, and don't like it very much. But the insurance is really good - they cover cancer at 100%. So things like my MRI, and Terry's entire treatment are covered.

And I'm trying to do the right things, but I feel really stressed, and unsupported.

But Terry isn't working now - he is putting himself first, and I totally support this. He's more important than income, but I do feel stressed about money. He only works part-time, but he does bring home breads and salads that stretch our money - so we're down over a thousand a month.
And Krista wrecking the car adds that certain something. Like - Terry wants to pull cash from our savings accounts to pay for the car in full. So we have less monthly expenses. I would rather keep our cash in a stash, just in case things get terrible, and there are no more contracts and no more work. Then the most we would lose would be the second car, and we would be able to pay off the house for another month or two from savings. We haven't decided what to do. And we neither of us have had any time or energy to go shopping for a car, so the meter is ticking on a rental car. I mean, I know I suggested that we do this. But, I'm working here!

I'm also finding that I am relating a bit to the husbands who sit there and play computer games - I mean, here I am, typing away on the computer, when Terry and Krista are sitting in the other room. Together. I feel really out of their close little circle. He was the stay-at-home parent, but what this all means is that she and I don't communicate well.

I've asked Krista to help me - cooking, making sure that Dad doesn't overdo. She interpreted that to mean that she'll sit with Dad, and ignore the dishes and the cooking and the shopping, and I get to do them when I get home. If I don't, the food goes bad, or Terry does the clean-up. And then I get mad. This isn't working.

We made the decision to go to Hawaii - it ate up all my vacation time at work, and it was wonderful. But he's going to be in the hospital for 7-10 days, and then will need intense care at home for likely weeks. And I have 4 hours of vacation. So, they offered comp time at work - 2 extra hours per day, and Saturday, and any overtime on Sunday I want to put in - but only for a few weeks. So all day Sunday I waited for Krista to come downstairs - I had offered to buy her new underwear, thought we could shop together. She also volunteered to walk the dog. Terry called her to walk the dog 3 times before she finally came down, then she went right back to bed. Or whereever it is she goes. And came down after the stores were closed.

I feel so much like the bad guy. And yet, at the same time, none of my needs are getting met here. And I feel like I'm under a whole lot of pressure.

I hope that writing this out takes some of the pressure away.